You may have noticed a few changes at privateerpress.com today. We’ve received reports of strange activity originating from the Bodgers section of our website, so in response to this suspicious behavior, we are unveiling our new security initiative: B.O.A.R.D.

B.O.A.R.D. is a systematic approach to online and personal safety, and while it may seem confusing at first I assure you it is as easy as 5 simple steps.

1. Barricade

The first step in any security plan should always be to hastily secure any and all conceivable points of entry, using any object within arms’ reach. We here at Privateer Press have secured our doors and windows with desks, chairs, bookcases, and piles of as-yet unannounced models like…well, never mind. I won’t bore you with the details.

2. Obscure

By which I mean “hide.” Find the darkest, smallest hidey-hole you can, and stay put. Don’t talk, don’t move, and don’t breathe more than is absolutely necessary.

3. Appeal for Help

We’ve called in special support from our good friends, the Bodgers. Not only are they notoriously resourceful, but we hear they have a lot of experience repelling attacks of this nature lately. With allies like the Bodgers on your side, what could possibly—?

4. Run!

Oh, sweet mother of Morrow, they’ve broken through! Run! Everyone run for your lives! Arrrrrgh! The bites! So many bites….!

5. Durrrrrgglglglghgrrrrrrr

Mrrrrrgh. Gerrrrhrmmmmpph. Blerrrrrghh.